When I was very young, my mother told me that if she couldn’t see me and couldn't hear me, she could probably get away with ‘forgetting’ to put me to bed. It was a party, there was loud music and funny stories were being told by the adults I admired over their beers and wine. So, that was the night I taught myself to disappear.
I held my breath and faded into the walls until I was forgotten.
Ever since then, I think I’ve had a knack for turning into a ghost. The gust of wind that blows through loose floor boards. A shadow of an idea that sits quietly on the edge of your memory. As soon as I want to leave, I do. I slip through the bars and become un-trackable, untraceable but utterly irreplaceable. I imagine that it’s probably infuriating for the people that I leave behind, but not because I’m gone. Because they have to face the truth…that they never had me in the first place.
I’m not someone that you should plan a future around, and as soon as you start to, thats my cue to start fading. As soon as you start to make ‘the plan’, my life gets laid out in front of me by somebody else hands. Like a book in which the ending is spoiled by some obnoxious six year old with something to prove.
The pretty girl with the pretty mind finds the pretty boy who is pretty kind. They settle together, the fire fades to comfortable embers. They submit to mediocrity and buy a pretty house together on a pretty block, in which they raise some pretty kids who will never grow up to feel the fire that I once breathed like oxygen.
To keep me, don’t you dare finger the wheel of my fate.
To keep me, let my flames burn freely. Do not get off on my weak, vulnerable, moments, thrive on my inspiring and powerful moments instead. I don’t need someone to save me, I need someone to laugh at the brutality and ridiculousness of life with me, while I save myself.
To keep me, do not trap me within the confines of the girl you fell in love with. I’m already no longer that girl. I’m the mistress of my own self-reinvention and our affair is scandalous and passionate. Fall in love with the freedom that comes with loving me.
I don’t need a lover, I need a partner in crime. I don’t need a boyfriend, I need an adventure buddy. I want someone who challenges me to become the best version of myself I can. Who doesn’t limit me but who pushes me into the next possibilty. Who inspires hope and supports my ambition. I need someone I can trust, and most of all I need someone I can respect.
To keep me, please don’t obsess over me. Don’t make me your new religion. Don’t tell me lies like if I was to leave you, you would die. You wouldn’t die. The sun would rise and you would be fine.
To keep me, don’t try to keep me, and I’ll probably stick around.