I have found myself walking these familiar hometown streets with a slight swagger in my step. One I never thought I could find here, next to my lake and under my mountain. I always thought I would have to travel through the sky and across the sea, until I found a bigger lake and taller mountains, to finally embrace my life with open arms. To finally capture confidence and yank happiness out of whatever hidden hole she has been curled up in for all of eighteen years.
But here, in my own backyard, I finally walk with a straight back and a high held chin. My grin is a dare. I’m feel as though I’m flirting with fate, tangled in her skirts on a disco lit dance-floor, with my hand sliding up her shirt.
I think I finally reached out and pulled the thin metal fingers off the clock I’ve thats been ticking like a roll of thunder in my brain, since I was so little. Maybe I don’t have to do all the things I’m going to do before my time, before I run out of time, like my life is a post-it-noted deadline.
What if I lived like the waves I lust to be loved by. Living in the moment then withdrawing and living in the next moment with just as much enthusiasm and dedication.
Right now, I’m just a waitress.
But working as a waitress has taught me compassion, fine turned my discipline and will leave me with a very fine story to tell.
I don’t need to attain success immediately, just because everyone tells me I have the potential to.
I think, if you put me in the right place or even the wrong one, I would become addicted to the incline and rise above all expectations set in front of me. Some girls are good at makeup, some are lawyers and politicians, some girls are amazing mothers and can cook a hellishly good lasagna. My lasagna is alright, but my thing is not makeup, cooking, politics or childcare, its smashing every single expectation and glass ceiling that attempts to cage me, label me or pin me into some sort of definition.
I am undefinable.
No matter where these adventures take me and what role I find myself slipping into I will always be able to smash the box and turn the label upside down, with all the grace and elegance of the dancer I was trained to be.
A walking contraction is what people call me. Maybe I need that on a business card. As soon as you think you’ve finally cracked the code, you discover the next layer. I’m probably more like a virus than any other pretty metaphor I would love to write myself into. I am constantly morphing, receding, growing, learning, nobody can keep up.
If I am a virus, that has the potential to infect and succeed in any situation if given enough time to understand it’s algorithms intimately, why am I letting anyone else dictate where I apply myself?
If I want to get a tattoo and become a barista/burlesque dancer, I can and I will. And I will do it really damn well. If I want to be a cute, slightly clumsy girlfriend who looks good on anyone’s arm, I can and I will. But if I want to also educate myself beyond what I should be able to do without the aid of a formal education then I can and I will.
p.s. I was listening to a very heavy hip hop playlist while I wrote this, so just be proud I didn’t write about drug dealers and strip clubs.
p.p.s I can and I will.